Why do people?

under the cloudy skies that
stand in the way of the sun
i hold the cashmere shawl tightly
bracing myself against the steely breeze
and as the waves repeatedly thrash the rocky coast,
i wonder and i wonder again
why do people you love hurt you the most?
words that attack you like knives
slicing your heart, making you bleed
a tongue that refuses to retaliate
the body turns devoid of emotional need
and as those judgements against me you boast
i wonder why do people you love hurt you the most.
a measuring stick i can never measure to
an overcoat too big for me or too small
i can never be the right size
meet the standards set by man
as of my previous self i slowly become a ghost
i wonder and then wonder some more
why do people you love hurt you the most.
January 5th, 2017
12:24 pm

New York Style Cheesecake with Raspberry Sauce


Just a thought

We have so much to be thankful for. there are so many people out there who are suffering from and whose loved ones are suffering from life threatening diseases , and they do not have the money to even buy a simple pain killer, leave alone afford proper treatment. really brings your ‘ wants’ into perspective.



Here’s to the Old Year

What was new this year?
And what has become old?
What resolutions if any?
What will the new year hold?
Useless questions
Meaningless Diversions
Each day, a new beginning
Each bend, a new road.
So here’s to no introspection
And no unnecessary emotional baggage
To living life as it comes
And experiences to behold.
Monday, December 30th, 2013. 

Why so emotional?

Some times you love so hard, so fiercely, so much that your heart can almost burst with emotion.


Cool Mom

So , my mom who does not use the computer and neither does she have a smart phone and has personally never used the internet, was telling me about the benefits of apple cider vinegar. Since everything sounded so wonderful, i told her that i would start using it.

“Don’t forget to google the benefits first”, she advised.

Wait, did ammi just tell me to use google? Really. Wow.

My mom is so cool. :)

The Security Guard

Every day when passing through the metal detector at the entrance of my work place, i used to hand over my lappie bag and hand bag ( for further security checking) to a gentle, old man who was working in the premises as a security guard. His chirpy and shafqat bhari ( paternal love imbibed with kindness and compassion), “Assalam o Alaikum betay” (Peace and blessings of Allah be on you, child) was truly the highlight of my morning. He had such a pure and genuine smile that i always responded back with an equally spontaneous,”Wa’alaikumu salaam. Aap Kaisay heine” ( peace and blessings of Allah be on you too. How are you doing today? ).

Then one day , there was a new guard at the entrance. I immediately wondered where the previous grandparenty guard went, but i am ashamed to admit that i did not ask around. 

Today though, i saw him. Just after entering i saw him pass by and i called out to him. “AssalamoAlaikum. Aap keisay heine? Ab aap kahan chalay gayey heine? ” ( Peace and blessings of Allah be on you. How are you? Where have you gone? “

He gave me the familiar shafqat bhari smile and told me that he had resigned and that he is moving to Islamabad with his family. I told him that i was glad for him and that Islamabad is a much safer city. He got into the elevator with me and wished me well and told me that he spent a good time in the building with us. He asked me for prayers and then added, “Bachi-on ki duaein qabool hoti heine” ( prayers of daughters are always heard).

I requested him to remember me in his prayers too. With that, the elevator reached the desired floor. 

“Allah Hafiz”, ( may God be with you) we said to each other.

As i made my way to my workstation, i realised that my eyes were laced with bitter sweet tears. 

Why, you ask?

Because, kindness and compassion are values so dear to me. Because, he asked me to pray for him- as a daughter. Because he gave me the grand parenty smile.

Because- we all need a bit of humanity in this world.

I hope where ever he goes, he finds peace, contentment and success. I hope that his family stays safe and that he faces no hardship, financial or otherwise. That he plays with his grand children and that Allah blesses him with all the true goodness life has to offer. Ameen. Summa Ameen.

Please pray too. 

Self Introspection

So yesterday we visited this burger joint for the first ( and probably last time) in this mall in Karachi. It is supposed to be this world renowned fast food chain. It opened in Karachi quite a few months back and was thronged with people left, right and centre then.

Now i.e. yesterday it was relatively quieter.

You see me and hubby, we are not really into this whole “what’s in, what’s out” thing. We don’t feel excluded if we have not visited any particular restaurant that almost everybody is going to and writing about our experience in a particular facebook group. 

We do not routinely check in our location on facebook either because we are cool like that. To be honest, we are pretty much non nonchalant about this whole facebook checking in places and restaurant gloating shpiel.

The only reason we went to this particular burger place was because it was half empty and personally i wanted some junk food in my system. This post however is not a review of the food. But if you have to know, it was like any other burger. Could be one from McDonald’s -just a bigger size.  Obviously these people disagree and hey, to each their own.

Anyway, somewhere during the meal, i thought, “I wonder how much those guys working in the kitchen earn in a month?”

” Can they afford to bring their family and kids to this place?”

” There are people dying of hunger and i am actually evaluating this burger i am munching?”

” I wonder if they have an all employee family day at this restaurant. Well, if they don’t, they should.”

” Who am i to judge anybody if i chose to munch on this thing?”

” Would my thoughts be different if i actually liked this?”

And then my hypocrisy dawned on me.

I make so many clothes. I buy so many shoes. I don’t really need them. There are people who spend any given year wearing just a pair of shoes. There are people who only own the one item of clothing on their body. And yet, i buy these items, discard them for the under privileged, and buy more clothes and shoes.

Who am i? What do i want? What do i need? Why am i here? 

What am i thinking?

Self righteous woman !

Nightmare on Mind Street

Some of our biggest fears stem from the fears that we have seen our loved ones battling with. We vow to never be on the receiving end of these fears and circumstances. We take meticulous steps to ensure that we are well equipped to battle them. But the truth is, are we really prepared?
I too struggle to shrug one such fear off the entwined nerves of my brain. Usually i succeed, but on dark nights the fear re-surfaces in the garb of a vivid nightmare. I wake up and flick the dream off my conscience like a speck of dust on an old wood table. But once the eyes close, the sub-conscious takes over and the nightmare continues from where i left it. Quite sadistically, i let it spread its weight down on me until the breath is knocked out of my lungs and i force myself to wake up again.
Astagfirul-Allahi- Rabbi-min-kulli-zanbin-wa’aatoobu-Ilaihe.
The nightmare keeps its feet firmly down on my thoughts the whole day. I cannot utter this to anybody, lest it comes true, lest it gains potency, lest it displaces my precariously placed imperfect world that i am grateful for.
No! Our fears never go away. No! They are always lurking around the corner. You can never really dis-associate yourself from the fear. 
And God help me. Please.


When in doubt. stay positive.

Happiness is punctuated by bouts of sadness. Bliss is often short lived. How long can a perfect dream last? After all, all good things come to an end, don’t they?

Not necessarily though.

Sadness is followed by moments of wide smiles and eyes giddy with delight. Bliss can be eternal even if for a few minutes. A perfect dream can come true even in its real imperfectness. An end is usually another beginning to even more good things. 




Blogging Less

It is amazing that i blog so less. Sooner or later, this may become a dead blog. *Shiver* But hey, if i blog less , it probably means that i am getting over myself. That my selfishness is subsiding. That i don’t need to tell people what I THINK.

Really! :)

That would be such a good feeling. :) To free myself from vice. ;)


In Memory of an Awesome Brother

There are days when your memory stirs my thoughts and my little heart clenches with hurt and bitter sweet pain.  The tide in my eyes rises and an obstacle forms somewhere in the throat. Despite this, i smile and pray for you with all my heart. You gave us so much happiness in the short time you were here with us. I miss you so. I miss you so. I miss you so.

I can’t find a picture of us together, but i will always have the picture where the seven of us stand together smiling, without a care in the world. Seven minus one= six and yet today, we still stand seven with a cherub joining the league. But you, you will be missed. ALWAYS.


Then which of the favours of your Lord will you deny? – Surah Ar-Rahman.(Quran)

This weekend i thanked Allah for his blessings. Life has been kind. That is not to say that i have not had my share of darkness. I have seen sickness of loved ones and eventually said goodbye to them. i have been betrayed. I have had people stab me from behind, lived away from my family and missed them. Dealt with crazy bosses, crazier colleagues, complex family issues. Living in Karachi means that yes, i have been in accidents and survived without injury, my cell phone has been taken away on gun point and i have seen my share of protests and rallies. But then this is normal life for us, isn’t it? I am sure some of you have been through a lot more and truly speaking i feel blessed to not having to go through those “worse” things. AlhamdulilAllah.

Blessings they have come in forms- big and small and hazy and clear. The biggest blessing is to have loving parents who have supported me and encouraged me to pursue my dreams. Post marriage, i sometimes feel like a six year old, aching to be with her ma and pa. I can cry rivers and look potentially silly to everyone just because heck, i miss my mom and dad. That is love. That is a beautiful bond. That is a gift. May Allah bless them with the best of everything in this life and the next. Ameen.

To have spent time with my grandmother has been a blessing. To have snippets of memories about my maternal grand mother has been a blessing. Grandparents teach you the best of everything, don’t they?

To have loved your siblings to death. To fight for them. To die for them. To die with them. That is a blessing.

To have gone to a foreign country to get a better degree. To feel lost and then being embraced by loving house mates is a blessing. To make more friends. To share joy, pain, laughter, craziness, failures and success. To have been able to laugh with abandon, to see beautiful scenic wonders, hear songs that stick to your head for life- those are blessings.

To have broken into a thousand pieces, having sought out God, placing my foot onto the holy land, finding his mercy and care wash over me through despair and tears on a lonesome morning in Karachi – such a blessing. Such a blessing, AlHamdulilAllah.

And then finding love. The love i always had. The love i shunned and embraced. The love i pushed and it pulled me. The love i felt was being compromised. The love that betrayed me. And the love that still remained strong. The love that stills holds my hand and smiles at me. That is a blessing.

To be able to see, hear, breathe, touch, inhale and feel is a blessing.

I don’t have it all. I have my down times. I have those days when I am angry enough to wreck my own life. But then there is patience. There is understanding. There is a constant reminder of my blessings. And then, there is peace. AlHamdulilAllah.

“Do men think that they will be left alone on saying “We believe” and that they will not be tested? We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false.”Al-Ankaboot – 29:2-3 (Quran)


Emotional for No Reason

There are days when fatigue and helplessness is waiting at every corner to lure you in a black hole and get you down. Those are the days when your will power has to be most strongest and your smile has to be the warmest. And a big slice of Nandos chocolate cake/or Banoffee pie with a hot cup of tea always helps, doesn’t it?

Fly away little birdie

Release negativity. Release frustrations. Release hurt and anger. Release sadness. Let go off the pointless drama and the people who create it, as i read some where.  Forgive and move on. We are on a journey. Every person we meet teaches us a lesson and makes us stronger and better. Question whether reacting on one teeny bad thing can upset you for aeons as a consequence. Be wiser. Forget the bad and focus only on the good. Don’t wish bad for anyone. Don’t wish that they get stuck in a deep dark place. What kind of person would that make you? Someone similar wouldn’t it? So, all i am saying is- Don’t let negative emotions steal your right to smile. After all life is too short to be anything be happy. :) Don’t let negative emotions cage your soul. Fly away little birdie. Fly. :) *YaY*



Anger and frustration are two emotions that suck the ” good life” feeling off you. And they ruined the mood today.

I have lately been made to feel very inadequate.

If told to recite the urdu alphabet, there are high chances that i will miss the laam, the fey and the qaaf.

I do not know all the Surahs in the last chapter of the Quran.

I mispronounce Urdu words.  I cannot understand whether “call aata hai” or “call aati hai.” I use both genders for incoming calls depending on my mood.

So yeah, not good. Self Esteem has been pretty low. I feel defensive but i am not showing it. I am feeling angry but i am pushing it down. This gave me a head ache today.

I have been writing down the Urdu alphabet to check myself.

I am attempting memorising some of the Surahs and it is painfully slow.

I am speaking very slowly and taking out each word with the right pronunciation. However, there are times i stumble when speaking fast and with emotion.

Nope, i am not feeling very confident any more.


Happy International Women’s Day

 Happy International Women’s day to all the ladies reading this. I know some folks may wonder, why we even need such a day. This is because even if if the ladies you know have had it easy and have all their human rights in place or are going places professionally, BUT what you forget is that the majority of the world’s 1.3 billion absolute poor are women.

In fact on average, women receive between 30 and 40 per cent less pay than men earn for the same work. Everywhere, women continue to be victims of violence, with rape and domestic violence which themselves are significant causes of disability and death among women of reproductive age worldwide. We therefore need to support women more than ever. :)

So let us celebrate by doing something wonderful. Perhaps contribute to a cause that deals with rehabilitation of battered women or victims of rape, to those single mothers raising their children alone and those house maids who are the sole earners for their family. :)

Let us appreciate the home makers especially.

Happy, Happy Women’s Day. :)


On Vacation until further notice :)


I have not gone away. I am just super busy preparing for a wedding. It is crazy. CRAZY.

It is exhausting. But it will happen. InshaAllah.

And then there will be Marriage <3 which will have its own milestones. Insha Allah again.

I will be lying if i say that i have not been blogging. I have been – just on another space where i can rant about the gazillion of things a wedding requires and some day, if all goes well, i will share that too.

Please remember me in your prayers. You know i need them. We need them.

Love and Light,

me. :)

I’m still here. :)

It’s been so long since I have blogged. It’s pure procrastination. But today is a new day.


First things first, I am not feeling my best. I thought that my sinus woes were over. But this crazy humidity has seen its return with vengeance. I can’t sleep properly as it’s so difficult to breathe and as a result I am just sleepy and worn out the next day. I have also for the first time developed this crazy eye infection. They are itchy and red and watery and sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night my eye lashes are stuck together (seriously) and I have to gently pry them apart. I have tried three different eye drops by now. I will visit the doctor again tonight. InshaAllah. :(


For the sinus, it’s back to drinking a spoonful of honey in a pint of warm water with a half a lemon squeezed into it for good measure- first thing in the morning i.e.


There is something else on my mind as well. My wedding (rukhsati) is a few months away and I have done NOTHING. There is just soo much to do. First things first, the venue and the caterer and then gosh! THE DRESS! I just am not bride material you know. I have never actually dreamed or visualized my wedding. Sitting in front of all these people is uh.. daunting. And then married life. I am just freaked out knowing that even my rotis (chapattis) are far from perfect. *eek*


But the thought of spending my life with hubby soothes my worries. AlHamdulilAllah. <3


Poor hubby was under the weather last night too. He came over for a bit to avoid the predictable traffic jam in Karachi after rain. And he got me garam garam gulab jamuns which we had over cardamom and cinnamon tea. He knew i was craving to have them in this lovely weather.

I wonder if he knows that sometimes when I look at him, I say so many silent prayers for his long life, his health, his strong heart, his happiness, his success and his smile. Ameen. Ameen. Ameen.


Yes, it is true. Nikah enjoins two souls in the most beautiful and unique of ways. He makes my heart grow bigger. MashaAllah.


Please keep us in your duas. <3


وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ نَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ


Surah 30. Ar-Rum, Ayah 21 of the Holy Quran

“And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.”


Translation by Yusuf Ali.