Marriage and the “D” Word.


At the onset, I am no authority on marriage and relationships. I do not even know if I have what it takes to sustain a marriage and be the perfect wife. I have always maintained that I have inherent faults which at this point in time although may be addressed but there is no guarantee that they will be fixed. Unless, someone is really nice to me…  :)

Despite the above, my expectations about marriage are fairly realistic. Fights- Frustrations- Anger- Lack of personal space-Expectations- Comparisons and related pitfalls. HOWEVER, I do firmly believe in the same vein that there is Contentment, Happiness, Companionship, Elation, Love, Comfort and Enjoyment flowing out of a marriage as well. But nothing in life is free and therefore the good parts will be yours if there is Commitment, Compromise, Sacrifice, Understanding and the Willingness to curb our big egos. ( I know so many adjectives, right? )

YOU SEE MARRIAGE- IT WILL NOT BE PERFECT, BUT IT SHOULD BE YOUR EVERYTHING IN A VERY POSITIVE WAY.

This is why I am gutted when I hear that a marriage did not work out, especially when two people look so perfect for each other. Well, that is lesson number one- appearances can be deceptive. And lesson number two, they may be perfect with each other, but they may not be perfect for each other.

Of course there are valid reasons for seeking divorce- physical abuse, constant fights owing to serious incompatibility, trust issues, cheating, defrauding being some of them. But recently it appears that people are seeking divorce for the strangest of things such as misunderstandings and breaking of an illusion of having a perfect and ideal person as your spouse.

To set things straight, there is a reason why misunderstandings are called misunderstandings in the first place and these should be resolved as opposed to just abandoned.

When you sign on a marriage contract, you commit to a lot of things, the prominent of them being your agreement to share your entire life with that one person. That is not an easy decision. A whole lot of thought and labour goes into it. Therefore, why would you want a misunderstanding to destroy everything?

Why don’t two people sit across a table, alone (yes, no immediate nosy relatives and friends please) and talk. Find out what went wrong? Address how those wrongs can be made into rights. Find a solution.

I am not at all saying that there is always a solution. There may not be a solution after all, but you need to give your best shot.

It may not be your fault. It may not be your decision to call it quits, but would you let ego trample over both of you in this situation? I sure do hope not. At the end of it all, even if things do not go right and two people decide to take different paths, you do have that comfort that you tried your best.

Idealism and the illusion of a perfect person and a perfect relationship waiting for you with open arms is a big NO, NO. Seriously, perfection is only Allah’s attributes and we human’s just cannot match up. It will be a good idea to chuck all expectations out of the door when getting married because there is just no way your spouse can  match them.

Your spouse will be lazy at times. Will get angry over nothing. Will irritate you. Will create drama. Be jealous and plain crazy at times, because that is what makes one human. Believe it or not, you do the same things yourselves at times (even if you do not realize it).

Accept your spouse with their flaws and your spouse will accept you with yours. Learn to look at the positive and good parts for e.g. the way he/she makes you smile, the way he/she comforts you, cooks, drives and the list goes on. (To be honest, I cannot elaborate on the list owing to utter lack of experience. ;))

Then again marriages are also breaking up because two people are being forced to marry each other when they clearly do not want to simply because of social and family pressure. You should always marry for the right reason and “marrying to meet external social pressures” is definitely not one of them.

Parents should not force their off springs to marry a person that their child has no interest in. Think of it this way, inevitably two lives are being ruined. If you do not want to be with a person, how can you be happy with them? You just can not.

I recently got to know of a marriage that is breaking down simply because the girl liked someone else and was forced to marry an individual to meet her parent’s wishes. The result- she eventually chose to file for divorce.  Without going into facts and dissecting this situation, I would draw your attention to the real problem- marrying someone not because you want to but because of social pressure.

Assuming the parents knew about their daughter’s earlier love interest, they clearly should not have forced to marry another person. This is just wrong.

Forget that, the social pressure on a girl in her late twenties and thirties to get married is COLOSSAL. Every third person she meets is curious to know when she is getting married and why she is not getting married. Everybody wants to introduce her to someone. She is embarrassed routinely by folks who have her best interests at heart but make a joke of her without realizing it.

In a recent conversation during which it was clarified that a certain lady I know in her late forties and fifties is unmarried, the person on the other end inquired, “Is she a lesbian?”

So, if a woman is of marriageable age and not married, people assume all sorts of things about her and the thought never passes through their fickle brains that the reasons could be in fact quite different. There may not be a reason at all except that despite her desire to get married, it just did not happen. Just did not.

Staying single is much better than marrying out of social pressure. This applies to both genders. It is not like men in their mid thirties onwards are not subject to similar social harassment.

Marriage therefore should be taken seriously and you should get married for the “Right Reasons.” Never for someone, never to meet some one’s expectations, never because you are too old, but because you are mentally ready to spend your life with that one person.

And life goes on…

 

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” Why my heart goes out to Sania Mirza “


“That’s not what I think every time I step on court, that an Indian never did this, an Indian never did that. I’m just there because I just want to be there. I’m happy, I’m starting something. I’m not thinking who did it or who’s gonna do it.”

– SANIA MIRZA

I don’t think Sania Mirza, the highest ranked tennis player from India and who won the 2003 Wimbledon Championship’s Girls Double Title, really thought about whether she was the third Indian or the fourth to choose a Pakistani bloke to marry. I don’t also think that she paid close emphasis to what the Indians or Pakistanis think or what the conservative parties across the borders would possibly rant about. I don’t think that she also paid consideration to the crazy media hype which could be created with her decision to marry Shoaib Malik, a cricketer from Pakistan, who was ranked second, in the ICC ODI all-rounder rankings in June 2008.

Did she think about a certain, ‘Ayesha’, who claims that Shoaib Malik is still married to her? Did she expect skeletons to come out of Mr. Malik’s closet, just a week before the wedding? Did she expect newspaper headlines? Did she expect having to justify her to be husband’s side of the story to the media?

God No! What she may have thought though could be about love, companionship and future. She may have thought about her family’s reaction, her to be spouse’s family and the relationship that she could expect to share with him. She would have thought about the venue, the celebrations, the mehendi, the valima, her apartment in Dubai, her in-laws, her wedding cards, her dress, her tennis, his cricket and the list goes on. But all this drama, i don’t really think so.

This is nothing but traumatic and extremely stressful. Think about the amount of stress which an average bride and her family has to face just with the preparations of a wedding. They go yellow, give temper tantrums, cry for no reasons and basically become anxious felines. Now, here is one girl and her family who not only have to deal with the stress of arranging a wedding, taking care of relatives, and bidding goodbye to each other, but they have to put up with the added stress of the to be son in law’s baggage from the past. And such baggage , that the contents of which, including the dirty laundry have been put out in the public for drying and examination.

Then there is the million dollar question: Will the wedding take place or not? Oh my God! Cards have been printed, the wedding venue booked, the caterers paid, the heart and mind spent and you have the guts to question a girl, ‘Will the wedding take place take place or not?” Her heart must be crying tears of unfairness.

I put the entire blame on Shoaib Malik. Dude, whatever the truth or the lies are, whether you are a victim or whether you victimized another, that is your problem and your folly. The responsiblity of ensuring that you took care of your past, before proposing to marry another girl lies on no one but your shoulders. Marriages are based on honesty and i sure do hope that you have been dead honest with Ms. Mirza, because if that is not the case, chances of her becoming or remaining (God Forbid! ) Mrs. Malik are not very bright.

My advise to Mr.Malik not as a lawyer, but as a girl who feels for the bride to be is-  save yourself the chakars of the court and the katheri, save your self respect and especially that of Sania Mirza and her family, and just divorce the previous wife. Nip the issue in the bud. Save your face and your integrity , and let Sania Mirza enjoy her wedding and feel special. She deserves it. And if you truly love her like you say so, this is a small test and passing it should be easy shmeasy, lemon squeezy.  :)

What can i say: Mirzas’ stick together. ;)

Aargh!


Whats the point of any relationship, if you cannot be dead honest with each other? Why can’t you express things with ease and frankness and be sure that the other person will take it in stride, with the knowledge that he/she has the right to express his/her sentiments exactly the same way as well?

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Aaargh!