Marriage and the “D” Word.


At the onset, I am no authority on marriage and relationships. I do not even know if I have what it takes to sustain a marriage and be the perfect wife. I have always maintained that I have inherent faults which at this point in time although may be addressed but there is no guarantee that they will be fixed. Unless, someone is really nice to me…  :)

Despite the above, my expectations about marriage are fairly realistic. Fights- Frustrations- Anger- Lack of personal space-Expectations- Comparisons and related pitfalls. HOWEVER, I do firmly believe in the same vein that there is Contentment, Happiness, Companionship, Elation, Love, Comfort and Enjoyment flowing out of a marriage as well. But nothing in life is free and therefore the good parts will be yours if there is Commitment, Compromise, Sacrifice, Understanding and the Willingness to curb our big egos. ( I know so many adjectives, right? )

YOU SEE MARRIAGE- IT WILL NOT BE PERFECT, BUT IT SHOULD BE YOUR EVERYTHING IN A VERY POSITIVE WAY.

This is why I am gutted when I hear that a marriage did not work out, especially when two people look so perfect for each other. Well, that is lesson number one- appearances can be deceptive. And lesson number two, they may be perfect with each other, but they may not be perfect for each other.

Of course there are valid reasons for seeking divorce- physical abuse, constant fights owing to serious incompatibility, trust issues, cheating, defrauding being some of them. But recently it appears that people are seeking divorce for the strangest of things such as misunderstandings and breaking of an illusion of having a perfect and ideal person as your spouse.

To set things straight, there is a reason why misunderstandings are called misunderstandings in the first place and these should be resolved as opposed to just abandoned.

When you sign on a marriage contract, you commit to a lot of things, the prominent of them being your agreement to share your entire life with that one person. That is not an easy decision. A whole lot of thought and labour goes into it. Therefore, why would you want a misunderstanding to destroy everything?

Why don’t two people sit across a table, alone (yes, no immediate nosy relatives and friends please) and talk. Find out what went wrong? Address how those wrongs can be made into rights. Find a solution.

I am not at all saying that there is always a solution. There may not be a solution after all, but you need to give your best shot.

It may not be your fault. It may not be your decision to call it quits, but would you let ego trample over both of you in this situation? I sure do hope not. At the end of it all, even if things do not go right and two people decide to take different paths, you do have that comfort that you tried your best.

Idealism and the illusion of a perfect person and a perfect relationship waiting for you with open arms is a big NO, NO. Seriously, perfection is only Allah’s attributes and we human’s just cannot match up. It will be a good idea to chuck all expectations out of the door when getting married because there is just no way your spouse can  match them.

Your spouse will be lazy at times. Will get angry over nothing. Will irritate you. Will create drama. Be jealous and plain crazy at times, because that is what makes one human. Believe it or not, you do the same things yourselves at times (even if you do not realize it).

Accept your spouse with their flaws and your spouse will accept you with yours. Learn to look at the positive and good parts for e.g. the way he/she makes you smile, the way he/she comforts you, cooks, drives and the list goes on. (To be honest, I cannot elaborate on the list owing to utter lack of experience. ;))

Then again marriages are also breaking up because two people are being forced to marry each other when they clearly do not want to simply because of social and family pressure. You should always marry for the right reason and “marrying to meet external social pressures” is definitely not one of them.

Parents should not force their off springs to marry a person that their child has no interest in. Think of it this way, inevitably two lives are being ruined. If you do not want to be with a person, how can you be happy with them? You just can not.

I recently got to know of a marriage that is breaking down simply because the girl liked someone else and was forced to marry an individual to meet her parent’s wishes. The result- she eventually chose to file for divorce.  Without going into facts and dissecting this situation, I would draw your attention to the real problem- marrying someone not because you want to but because of social pressure.

Assuming the parents knew about their daughter’s earlier love interest, they clearly should not have forced to marry another person. This is just wrong.

Forget that, the social pressure on a girl in her late twenties and thirties to get married is COLOSSAL. Every third person she meets is curious to know when she is getting married and why she is not getting married. Everybody wants to introduce her to someone. She is embarrassed routinely by folks who have her best interests at heart but make a joke of her without realizing it.

In a recent conversation during which it was clarified that a certain lady I know in her late forties and fifties is unmarried, the person on the other end inquired, “Is she a lesbian?”

So, if a woman is of marriageable age and not married, people assume all sorts of things about her and the thought never passes through their fickle brains that the reasons could be in fact quite different. There may not be a reason at all except that despite her desire to get married, it just did not happen. Just did not.

Staying single is much better than marrying out of social pressure. This applies to both genders. It is not like men in their mid thirties onwards are not subject to similar social harassment.

Marriage therefore should be taken seriously and you should get married for the “Right Reasons.” Never for someone, never to meet some one’s expectations, never because you are too old, but because you are mentally ready to spend your life with that one person.

And life goes on…

 

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8 thoughts on “Marriage and the “D” Word.

  1. Interesting thoughts. I think marriage is hard work. Period. Whether its arranged or love.

    Very true about the social pressures! Keep writing. The above fortune cookie quote brought a rueful smile to my face.

  2. this D word has indeed become one increasing social dilemma in our society and the worst part is most of the times reasons given are so petty and inconcievable that i just doubt wether they have lost their minds or rather they considered marriage as just another gadget selection: liked it then keep it or just dump it to your ease!
    in my recent past i came to know about two, three different divorced cases; reasons? one spouse accused the other being a homo (Allaah and them know the truth) and some other girl was forcefully divorced just because she couldnt fulfill his sexual needs, and yes, one, in actual, caught her husband red-handed in homosexual activity! . so, the keypoint here is ‘lust’ (today’s two cliched fingers raising word) or related to just physical attraction (duh!). spiritual status, your religion, your mental compatibility– do they really matter anymore?!

  3. The days of marriages lasting into their silver and golden wedding anniversaries, seem to be dwindling. I do not know if it is just that people think more of the Me than the We today or some other factors- one of them of course being the growing independence of women and the belief- Why do I have to put up with this s- -t?
    Nicely written. Write another one after you have been married for 5 years :P

  4. Interesting. It’s always interesting to hear the single ones speak about marriage… and not because I think they shouldn’t (or should I say we?)… but because they have a different way of talking about it… a lot more detached and academic sounding. I like what you said and how you said it.

    You know it is interesting to me as a single person that I have grown up in a time and place where my culture does not give me the expectation of a lasting marriage. My parents were not married and I know more divorced people than “still-married people.” I haven’t really thought about it much but I’m sure that has affected the way I look at marriage and romantic relationships. May the Lord have mercy upon us.

  5. “Staying single is much better than marrying out of social pressure.” I couldn’t agree more! The thought of settling for someone just because I’m reaching a certain (old) age or because of other social pressures makes me shudder!

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