Dear Big Gal on the Outside . . .

This letter is for the girl i have never met. It may also be that i am writing this letter based on assumptions, and you know what they say about assumptions. Oh, you don’t? Ah… in that case, let it go. Oh, but you insist? Well, an assumption is the mother of all F***ups. Oh come on, i am so not going to spell it out for you. I mean as far as i am concerned, i think, ‘Mess up’, is a perfect substitute, don’t you think?

But i am digressing. I heard about a girl yesterday. Maybe i dreamt about her. Or maybe, i have just thought of a fictional character, but i am trying to convince myself that the character is real. Well, i don’t care, and neither should you. You know why? Because, i don’t think it is important. And maybe, after a certain point, you will agree with me. If not, heck i tried.

AND NO, THE GIRL ISN’T ME! GOD! Judgemental aren’t you all?

But wait let me write the letter first….

* * * * * * *

Dear Big Girl on the outside,

How are you doing? How is the weather? How is life in general and is there anything, ’specific’ you want to tell me?

Ofcourse, you don’t. You are perfectly contented sitting in that corner, quietly and patiently doing what you have to do. Yes, there are a thousand, million, billion and gazillion thoughts in your head that plague you, and whose shadows sometimes lurk in your empty eyes, but as far as we are concerned, you will still tell us, you are ok and doing alright.

Well guess what! I know your secret. You are not ok at all, and despite being big on the outside, you are really a little five year old child inside. Is that shock on your face? Are you angry? This should not really be a revelation to you. You have known it all along.

I don’t think that it is a bad thing. Infact, i think it is a very good thing. Children are innocent, have clear hearts and almost always speak the truth. They don’t speak to you in the guise of being someone they are not. The only problem which i have is that, you are not being true to that five year old.

You see five year olds are also quite stubborn when they have to be. When they want something, a new doll, a new toy car- they really do want it. They plead, they cry and smart ones may also make up a case stating all the reasons why they should get that particular toy in order to convince their parents to do the same. You, on the other hand, who frankly only needs to convince herself to do or get something for herself or implement an idea (considering after all you are a big girl on the outside), still needs to convince A, B, C and D to do or get something. Strange thing is A, B, C or D really don’t need to be asked or convinced. You want something or want to implement something (legitimate and legal of course), then go get it. I know the five year old would.

Let me also clarify, that i suppose i am a five year old girl inside too, just that, i am not that girl ALL the time. I flit between the girl in the late twenties and the five year old. You although may be in the late twenties, but are constantly stuck in the five year old mode. Well, don’t! And if you have to be, do it properly. I am going to support you all the way. What fun would that be actually?

There is a reason why you are still a five year old girl on the inside. I suppose it has to do with your parents who never let you bloom the way you wanted to. Everything was regulated. Everything was criticized. Sometimes, you felt that you could never match up to their expectations, so you moulded yourself as much as you could to their expectations.

Then one day, a very different day, something very different happened. Someone liked you for who you were. Ofcourse, given the circumstances you gave in, and fell hard in love. You didn’t know the falling would not just be hard on the knees but hard on the heart too. And yes, the scabs are still, after the passage of time, tender. That someone who gave you the strength and comfort you always needed turned out to be liar and left you for another.

Fair enough girl.  But let me break it to you- it happens to a lot of people. You are not the only one. Yes, you were the most sincere, honest and committed, but he wasn’t, and that is that. Would you rather that he left you after marriage, or felt miserable with you and vice versa or that he made the decision now.

Uff! That look again! Yes, i admit. He was the biggest moron on planet earth, along with the million others (maybe even including me). If he never planned to marry you or didn’t find you worthy enough to be a life partner, then he should never have led you on, never promised to be with you, and a hundred, ‘never’ other things. But honey, it happened. And sooner or later you need to get over it.

Even five year olds stop talking to certain other children, but then bravely open their hearts to love and befriend again. Five year olds are most accommodating, compromising and non judgemental. They don’t befriend people according to the strict guidelines which frankly everyone, including your self will fall short of. He should be hundred percent honest. Never lie. Never say something mean. Be most compassionate and most understanding. He should raise you up, and be there with you, always nodding when you may be at your most irrational and whiny. What PMS doesn’t happen to you?

Thing is, if you do manage to find someone like that- he is fake and not normal.

So how about cutting yourself some slack and opening your heart to love someone again. I know a five year old would. Maybe the five year old would wear red ribbons, make a ,’heart’ card or wear multi coloured beads to attract that other kid and impress him. I don’t see you doing that. Most people are not telepathic and cannot read your mind. You need to tell them how you feel. And just like you probably won’t enter a garden which has an imposing gate with a huge padlock and a notice which says, ‘Trespassers Beware’, nobody would want to look into your heart if you don’t open your heart to them and be gentle and more accepting.

Oh, that thing which people tell you that there is definitely someone who will like you irrespective of whatever and make an effort to get to know you, well, they too are liars. How many people would fall for the principal in Matilda, the movie? Did you notice the movie reference? I think most five year olds like it. :p Ok, i suppose i am not making much sense, especially since you are MashaAllah so pretty and one of the most genuine and compassionate people i have met. That was a bad example. All i mean to say is that you need to smile more often for the sake of smiling and start enjoying life for the sake of life itself. You need to start accepting people and open your heart again, leaving behind that dreadful past, without imposing a strict criteria on yourself or other people.

You, dear girl- you need to take risks. I admit not all children take risks. Some just prefer to have that chocolate flavoured ice cream and continue to have that even when they are older. No! I don’t have a problem with chocolate ofcourse. Who would? But occasionally, i move to blueberry or cookie and cream or mango…..So you need to take risks too. I am not asking you to hang around with wannabe’s and addicts, but don’t say no to a positive experience. Who knows you may like life more or meet someone new or make fabulous new friends. I mean you should atleast try, shouldn’t you?

Sorry to be on your case, and i feel that at any point i might just get a slap around my face, but there is something else i wanted you to know. You are Human.

Don’t give me that, ‘Duh’ look, because i am not being very literal here. I feel that you are too hard on yourself. You are allowed to make mistakes. You have the right to have faults. You can be selfish. You can eat that extra slice of cake (once in a month maybe.p). You can tell me to buzz off. I mean if i am pissing you off, you should tell me to go take a hike on another planet.

Did you just actually say that to me?

Wow. You learn fast. See, that is the first step. This means that this letter of mine is actually making some sense and you are learning and implementing some of my suggestions.

Oh God! Please don’t crumple this masterpiece and tear it in a thousand pieces. Please.

This is anyway the moment where i bid adieu, but let me just say: “Give yourself a break, kiddo!” We all need a break sometime.

Take care of yourself and Smile :) ,

Your smart arsed well wisher.  : P