Delusional


Times have never been stranger for me. Nothing makes sense. Absolutely Nothing. In fact, even i don’t make sense to myself. I thought i knew myself, my wants, desires, needs, thought process, but now.. I am not so sure.

Last year was tumultuous.  I lost my younger brother .. well ‘lost’ isn’t an appropriate term really. Allah s.w.t called him. Yes! This makes more sense . And then there were manifold issues which made me question whether you can trust anyone at all in this day and age.

The year ended. I was full of hope and optimism. In many ways, i still am full of hope, but things are far from smooth. It’s just been two months since the year started, and my roller coaster ride is getting more aggressive than ever.

I just do not know what i want from life anymore. If you asked me two months back, i had very clear answers. They were things i have been praying for all my life. In fact, there is nothing else i prayed for. And, now i don’t want these very things.  Why?

What is even stranger, that of all the times, those very things are hurtling towards me at top speed now. They are almost palpable. Almost there. It’s just that i do not want to go there anymore. I do not want them.

How can emotions suddenly die? Is my heart possessed? How is it, that i want no piece of those very things, and just the mention of them, makes me want to run ten thousand miles away.

And then the thousand questions which fall on my mind like missiles.

What if you regret things tomorrow?

What if things never get better?

Don’t people say never let go of things you have, for an uncertain thing, which you may never have?

But aren’t you are a different person?

Shouldn’t those things be with a person who really wants them?

Wouldn’t it be wrong of you to go ahead knowing that you are incapable of giving your one hundred percent?

You are being selfish? You’re not like that, right? You’ve never been like that !

Why are people not understanding? Let me make my own mistakes and deal with them, please. Regrets or no regrets.

I am not the same person, then why are you being delusional in believing, that everything will fall into place?

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11 thoughts on “Delusional

  1. Interview Request:

    Hello Dear and Respected,
    I hope you are fine and carrying on the great work you have been doing for the Pakistani side of Internet. I am Ghazala Khan from The Pakistani Spectator (TPS), We at TPS throw a candid look on everything happening in and for Pakistan. We are trying to contribute our humble share in the blogistan.

    We at TPS are carrying out a new series of interviews with the notable Pakistani bloggers, writers and web masters. In that regard, We would like to interview you, if you please take some time out of your busy schedule. Please send me your approval for your interview at ghazala.khi at gmail.com, so that I could send you the questions. We would be extremely grateful. We have done many interviews with many bloggers from Pakistan like Dr. Awab, Kashif Aziz, Unaiza Nasim, Omer Alvi and host of others. We have also interviewed prominent figures like renowned writer Dr. Ayesha Siddiqa Agha, Dawn Columnist Urdsher Cowasjee and plethora of others.

    regards.

    Ghazala Khan
    The Pakistani Spectator
    pakspectator.com

  2. I just want you to know that I understand what you are saying… and you are not alone in this.

    Someone has said that, you cannot solve a problem with the same consciousness that created it. See the world anew. :)

    You know, If a pendulum goes past the centre of gravity on one side, it must go a like distance on the other, and it is only after a certain time that it finds the true point at which it can remain at rest. (I hope this gives a clue as to why a mention of the same things you always wanted makes you run a thousand miles away).

    Oh, and there’s no such thing as certain and uncertain things…. it is only when we divide things into certain and uncertain that we are being delusional. We feel the ‘certain’ things to be so, only because they seem to follow some regular pattern or nature for an extended period of time… and this ‘predictability’ makes us feel that it will go on and on like that.. and then, we forget that it is only due to the will of the Divine that things are so. Drastic Changes are there to constantly remind us of this Reality, because we forget this again and again. But its nobody’s fault.

    Things may get better or worse(that’s subjective)… but going through all this, you always get better, and maybe, you might get the ability to make things better for yourself and others too :)

  3. Gauri-

    Thank you for the wonderful comment Gauri. I am a pendulum which does not want to swing . It wants to break away and maybe mutate into a spoon. a flat spoon- atleast for now. :)

    Els-

    :) Life is a journey and nothing is constant except death. Thank you for commenting.

    Haris-

    Jo Allah s.w.t ko manzoor. Do pray for his soul. He was twenty years old.
    MAY ALLAH GRANT HIM JANNAT UL FIRDOUS. AMEEN. SUMMA AMEEN.

    • Sometimes we are angry. Sometimes we are sad. Sometimes we are confused, delusional maybe.

      And sometimes we are happy, excited and clear.

      Maybe that is life and maybe that is us. Maybe the delusions would last short, or shorter…. Or they may last long, hopefully not.

      Maybe its just a phase of life, beyond which you’d emerge clearer and stronger. Maybe you have the power to stop the hurtling things, or maybe just see them as roses again, and be ready to embrace.

      Life, by its very nature, is good and beautiful. Please try not to be bogged down by the subtleties..

      Wishing you loads of happiness.

      Cheers,
      Abhiram

      • I love life. Life is an occasion and we just have to rise to it. Life needs to have these uncertainties to make us appreciate the finer moments in life. Good to hear from you Abhi. :)

  4. I agree with your last comment,we would never appreciate life and the finer moments if it wasnt for the bumps.

    Life is an occasion and you will not get another shot at it,its hard for people to understand that at times,i forget to at times.Thanks for the reminder :)

  5. this reply comes far too later to your state of mind..but i need you to know that i feel your pain.I’m sorry about your brother :(i can relate to that loss too :( and nothing can soothe it , but im sure we can remember them for when they smiled.it helps me better..:)

    Seems like you had a major decision to make and didn’t know which way to turn.some part of you has developed a desire to do something unknown and meaningful to yourself. Think hard about what you want and just weigh the options against each other.

    as quoted by Marilyn Monroe..”I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” i know you will rise again Summi..just hang in there strong..god bless

    I’ve been there & felt the same way. Its hard to follow your heart when that little voice inside is giving you conflicting messages. I guess you have to think – at the end of your life – will you regret things you did, or things you never tried to do. Good luck to you and me!

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