Times have never been stranger for me. Nothing makes sense. Absolutely Nothing. In fact, even i don’t make sense to myself. I thought i knew myself, my wants, desires, needs, thought process, but now.. I am not so sure.
Last year was tumultuous. I lost my younger brother .. well ‘lost’ isn’t an appropriate term really. Allah s.w.t called him. Yes! This makes more sense . And then there were manifold issues which made me question whether you can trust anyone at all in this day and age.
The year ended. I was full of hope and optimism. In many ways, i still am full of hope, but things are far from smooth. It’s just been two months since the year started, and my roller coaster ride is getting more aggressive than ever.
I just do not know what i want from life anymore. If you asked me two months back, i had very clear answers. They were things i have been praying for all my life. In fact, there is nothing else i prayed for. And, now i don’t want these very things. Why?
What is even stranger, that of all the times, those very things are hurtling towards me at top speed now. They are almost palpable. Almost there. It’s just that i do not want to go there anymore. I do not want them.
How can emotions suddenly die? Is my heart possessed? How is it, that i want no piece of those very things, and just the mention of them, makes me want to run ten thousand miles away.
And then the thousand questions which fall on my mind like missiles.
What if you regret things tomorrow?
What if things never get better?
Don’t people say never let go of things you have, for an uncertain thing, which you may never have?
But aren’t you are a different person?
Shouldn’t those things be with a person who really wants them?
Wouldn’t it be wrong of you to go ahead knowing that you are incapable of giving your one hundred percent?
You are being selfish? You’re not like that, right? You’ve never been like that !
Why are people not understanding? Let me make my own mistakes and deal with them, please. Regrets or no regrets.
I am not the same person, then why are you being delusional in believing, that everything will fall into place?